just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
