Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
