You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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