Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can I color on your dick again?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
