I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
