I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
