the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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