not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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