were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
