the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
