Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
