you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
