i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
