Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
