when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
