Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
