please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
