Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
