the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
