I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
