dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
