I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
