I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
