Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
