the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
