two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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