how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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