I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want to make out with him forever
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize