Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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