i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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