Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
