i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
