I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
