my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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