I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
