Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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