Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize