My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
