Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
