I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
