i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
