I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
