I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
