i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She bit a glass in half.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
