I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
