Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm like, not good at living.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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