There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
