Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have tasted many bathrooms
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
