Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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