And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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