His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
