You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
