hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
