so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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