Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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