You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
