That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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